Its been a while since i wrote here, but, still, more often than not, late into the evening, way into the early morning hours of the wee nearly there dawn of day I find myself in a little room surrounded by other people’s stuff as they dance their cares and often their sense away…I don’t hate you public, but, fuckity fuck you can be ridiculous and dumb as shit. While, I am so far away from being a bitch, which often I am called. I do not respond to that well, “SEC CUR I TEEEE, remove this person.” is what I yell. So, to be clear – I don’t do mean shit. – I just do not suffer fools, if you are a dipshit, I’ll tell you…think of it as a life hack delivered from a kind place in blunt clear fashion. If you recognize yourself in these words ever, don’t beat yourself up, just don’t do that stuff again. Grow. Change. Make considerate choices. That’s all. The world will be better for it, and good people will like you more.
So, these little words of wisdom I offer thee:
If someone, working in the service sector looks at you with a face that has gone from a grin to a ‘what the hell’ and then lands in what you may think is ‘resting bitch face’ or gives what you may call ‘attitude’ take a moment to check in with your self, play back the interaction in slow motion, or even ask the presumed purveyor of attitude to do a reenactment of the situation. You may find, one hopes you may find, a new perspective and see that you, your very own self was the administrator of the attitude adjustment that occurred in the human being in front of you and by which you are now offended.
For example here are a few rambling rants about things that could possibly make a coat check watcher not smile at you and look like a bitch.
Let’s say you go into the coat check hallway and have a make out session in front of the coat watcher who is trapped in there behind a table with a room full of wet coats, umbrellas, skateboards and scooters, bags and backpacks, art, leftovers, and you are holding up a line of wet, drugged, drunk and dance hungry people and the coat watcher says, “hey, are you going to check your coats or make out on the table?” shock, and or eye rolling that your behavior is bad is the wrong response, so is not moving and making the coat checker ask you again.
Paying in Euro coins in America or with nickles,dimes and pennies is lame and not thoughtful. You are going out for the night, you got yourself in an outfit, did your hair, maybe even got a date…you can uncrumple your money, and pay with grown up currency, its a 21 and up establishment. Don’t be surprised when you hand over pennies to someone and you get a frown. On that note, when an establishment is cash only, that means the coat check is cash only, so have cash to pay. Have it ready, have your coat off, and lord please, don’t shove twenty sweaters in the sleeves or take you coat off with the sleeves inside out, especially if they are all wet. These things, they induce non smiling in the face, and remember a non-smile is not a frown, it is just a face that is trying not to emit annoyance…so leave it be, let the non smiler just get on with the get on, you already broke the situation, don’t break it more.
If you are a smoker and you check your coat take your cigarettes out. duh. If you have chapstick or are a constant lipstick applier…have pockets…or be out with people who have pockets, coming back to make the coat checker dig through tightly squished coats and bags to find your whatever you need in your pocket is time consuming and has the potential to cause the coats to fall off the hangers and get misplaced. Coat watchers do not like that. You wouldn’t like that. If you do find yourself doing this tip, don’t apologize 90 times and then come back and do it again. Don’t do that.
If you lose your ticket please know what your coat looks like. If you are going to get off your head take a picture of yourself in your coat and a picture of your ticket – these are easy preemptive measures that fulfill your part of the bargain of being responsible for your ticket. I am watching your coat on your dime so it is not stolen or molested, or otherwise occupied…so do your part.
Speaking of that, if you don’t check your stuff and it gets stolen, it is totally not my fault that it is lost, stolen, molested or otherwise occupied. That is your fault. Please do not cut in line to find out if it was turned it. If it was turned in don’t scream really loud and grab the coat checker in for a bear hug, that is scary and alarming…be happy, say thanks, tip, and check your stuff next time. Okay.
All those things, they can turn a smile into a frown. It takes way more muscles to frown than smile, and running in the coat check hanging and taking down all those coats and bags and misc. items is enough work.
and a little advice from Mr. Bowie