Remember if you recognize yourself I am laughing with you, at you and out loud in your general vicinity. And loving you for the human moments you provide.
While taking people’s money so they could party this Saturday these things happened….
Man and woman walk in. He’s well shorter than her. In her massive heels he comes up to her chest. He steps up to pay. She steps to the side. He pays, gets a ticket and a wristband and turns to walk into the party but walks into her chest. She just looks at him and says nothing. He says, “Oh, I need another ticket. I brought my step-sister.”
Me: “Hi. $40 please.”
Him (in a black turtle neck and black jeans) :”$40 each? That’s a lot of money.”
Her (in a little leather bustier, hot pants and a gold mask with feathers): As she pushes his hand and wallet back in his pocket and pulls the cash out of her bra.”Oh that is not too much. Here.”
Me: “Thank you.”
Her: “Do you speak carrot or duck?”
While taking people’s money so they could party this Saturday I thought….
If you come to a nighttime party wearing sunglasses and a bright red shirt that says “I FUCKING LOVE COKE!” you look like an amateur. If on top of that you are smacking your gum loud enough for me to hear it through my earplugs and your attempt to pay for yourself and your figity friends in very small dresses results in your wads of cash flying all over the place and me having to pick them up – that makes me want to write you a ticket for being a dipshit. It doesn’t get you a discount.
This might seem obvious, but…if your girlfriend says hey honey I am going to this party wearing my matching black lace panties and bra and that is it – showing up in something straight out of the LL Bean catalog with your sweatshirt tied around your waist and hiking boots makes you look a little out of place.
Sir with the grungy entirely denim outfit, half empty bottle of Jim Beam in your back pocket, and two cigarettes in your hand trying to sneak into a party isn’t a particularly flattering look for a 50 something man.
Dude, if you go to a party with a girl and she gets really drunk and does the zig zag walk so slowly to the door that she is barely moving you should go back and get her, not have security bring her to you.
Lady if you go to a party and then decide to leave when there are no ins and outs you will get stuck on the outside of the party. This is true no matter how cute your dress is.
Really though, I love you all.